I’m excited for the future! I’m currently interning with Crew middleschool ministries @ Shadow Mountain Community Church- and loving it! I’ll be looking for a second job and am trusting God will provide it! He’s never let me go, and is faithful as ever. I’m so blessed by His love!

I’m hoping to start a teaching credential program in the fall, Lord willing. It all depends on finances, but I’m very certain God will make it very clear.  He is so awesome!

I’ve had a blessed Christmas at home in Mexico with the best family on the planet. I’m gonna miss them very much when I go back to SoCal, but I’m VERY grateful for my time here. Everything is a gift. I’m focusing on being thankful for the time I have with those I love, and not pine for that which is not to be. :)

New Year’s Goals:

1. focus on being thankful!

2. be an encourager.

3. go back to writing, painting, & reading.

4. Look through God glasses as much as possible!

:)

7. I always knew you’d grow up,
Always knew you’d leave town,
I always knew you’d get married and all quite settled down,
I always knew you would fall,
Fall, fall
Up and away
But I never knew that you’d forget.

6. Does love make you selfish?
Cuz that’s not really love.
Does love make you hurt people?
That’s not what I dream of.
Does love make you forget your family and friends?
No…that’s anything but love.

5. Coming to know, that’s all’s a new beginning
White blown snow, a new slate
Things will never be the same again
We can’t expect them to but
Choose to start anew

4. I have to forget, just like you
The way things used to be
There’s no more memories
As far as you can see

3. This is my challenge
My dare by life in deed
To be and live what I fear in me.

2. I have to let go and start living
I have to let Jesus take control

1. For all I have is one life and live it I must.

The scars on my heart are not like the ones on my arms

Not made by knives or tries to control my environment and destiny

Each wound is mine to have and to hold, as I turn cold

Colder than winter and frozen hopes

That belief that someday I’d be loved for me and what I’d done

That I couldn’t be replaced by another

Who never really cared the way I do

The holes in my hands are deep, but not as deep as the ones you made

The throbbing hurt comes from rejection,

Denial of who I am to you

Of what I’ve done for you

Of how much I love you.

And deeper they go

Each time you ignore me

Each time you replace me

Each time you say, “I know Him not.”

As I watched her new video, I wondered. “Why does this little girl seem to spark  so much annoyance?” Then, I noticed how “Millennial” her exhibition really is. How cliche of our generation.

The millennial generation is mostly made up  of us who were born between 1980 and 1995.  Apparently, we’re a pretty sad generation with seemingly more flaws than I care to expound on.  :(But, Rebecca Black made me pick one.

In RB’s videos we see a desire for fame. Overnight glory, Justin Bieber status. Yet, instead of glory RB found infamy. People laughed at her attempt to “buy” her way into our hearts with flashy cars, pretty dresses, and sticky tunes. She wanted the results without working for them.

One of the characteristics of Millennials is just this. We think we deserve glory, money, and status. We grew up with people telling us we are “all special,” and no one is better than anyone else. We all have equal American opportunities. Yet, this, folks, is not reality. Just because Rebecca Black has the money to make a pretty music video doesn’t mean that we’ll all fall at her feet in adoration!

We are just like her, whether we realize it or not. We want to have a career, a job, a status, a filled bank account, and fame- all without lifting a finger. We’ve lost the value of hard work and incentive. We expect to be paid more than minimum wage and get benefits, too. We aren’t very happy to be poor (even though poor is riches compared to what people in Third World live on everyday). We want to be the veterans, but we run from the battle.

We hold on to mom and dad as they fund our lives and move back in when we fail at life. We fear growing up. We run from responsibility and our big decisions revolve around piddly little things, like “which seat should I take?” We want to live an eternal Friday, with fun, games and definitely no mortgage. Our generation wants to party and get paid to do it.

Yes, we’re all Rebecca Blacks, and that’s why we can’t stand the sight or the sound of her.

This week, I spent a morning watching the ABC programs online about Jaycee Dugard’s interview with Diane Sawyer. While I could not watch the whole thing- silly international program issues- I was able to watch various 10 minute sections.

While watching, I was horrified and pained by the story of this young woman who survived 18 years of captivity including abuse and childbirth at a young age. My mind is boggled by her personal story… an experience that I can only imagine. As I thought about her story, my mind was brought to others. Elizabeth Smart- a child who was kidnapped when I was almost the same age as she. I remember praying for her everyday for months- miraculously she was found months later. These women are not alone. How many others have been taken or abused. Each one suffering a pain that none other can fathom.

I think of how each person’s pain is unique and original. No matter how similar one person’s story is to another’s none can ever completely understand their pain, grief, or loss. Just as each one of us is unique- so will our reactions and experiences be. While compassion comes easy to me, and it doesn’t take much for me to put myself in someone’s shoes, I can never know exactly what someone else is going through.

One of my favorite books is Michelle Phoenix’s Edge of Tidal Pools. I read it in highschool and remember crying very hard when I read it. Note: I don’t cry over books- it’s VERY rare. This book shared the story of someone’s pain and while it was fiction, it was based on events that really have and do happen to people. It broke my heart to think of this horrible emotional pain that was detailed by the author. A pain that was very real to many around me.

Pain is something very real to me- which has helped and hindered me. Helped me to understand others, yet hindered me in forgiveness. The people that I’ve had the hardest time forgiving are those that have knowingly hurt people I love.

The more you love people, the wider the door for them to hurt you…and sometimes loving people deeply allows you to almost take on their pain in ways you aren’t meant to. Because in the end, you cannot feel their pain, nor can you take it from them. No matter how much I love someone or feel compassion for their pain- I can never take it all on or away. All  my desires to help, love, and be compassionate to people are nothing. I cannot feel nor ever experience the pain, abuse, hurt, and loss that any other human being has. I can only know what is mine to feel. Yet…

There is One Higher and Greater than I. One who not only can imagine your pain, but experiences it with you. The one who took on the Pain of the Cross so that one day the unique, individual, and original pain of your heart and mine would not only fade but heal.  For he that trusts in Jesus, there will one day be more than no more tears- there will be no more scars. Only pure love and joy flowing from the heart of He who created you- unique and original, individual you.

• Today, I’m teaching English again. It’ll be my third time so far. God has been so good to send me this job! He knew what I wanted and is good to me. ThankYou, Lord!
• Tomorrow, we go celebrate Raquel’s grad with her and the fam. It’s so sad to think of them leaving…
• Thursday, I have another English class.
• Friday, cell group.
• Saturday, …well, I’m not sure! :)

Lifenotes:
I’m really sad that Aaron won’t be able to visit, but I know that this is just another way of learning new lessons. More growth and more love from God. Sometimes, good things are packaged in odd ways.
No more classes ’til July! And the week class begins,VBS starts too! Goodness, gonna be exhaaaausted. But should be fun.

“I would be sort of frightened at first and maybe disappointed that my time on earth was coming to a close. I would be excited too though, too.
I would be so very overjoyed to see Jesus and never be separated from His presence. I would be glad that I would soon no longer have to struggle with sin and pain, too.

Yet, like Jesse mentioned in his post, I would be saddened to leave others behind. I would want to make sure that I cleared up any disagreements an said things that I needed to say. I would also want to make sure that I wrote to and spoke to anyone who I believed needed to hear the gospel. And yes, I’m sure I would have some regrets; we all do.  

I would make sure that I got rid of most of my stuff before I died. I would try to make it easier for my family, since going through stuff after folks pass away can be difficult. Plus, I’m a pack-rat, so it would be a bit of a headache anyway!

I think I’d have a goodbye party for myself, too. Maybe even make up a program for my funeral and get stuff ready. Of course, that might freak folks out…

Thinking about this is a good reminder that any minute God could call me home. It’s best to be responsible now with relationships, possessions, and time. Today really could be my last…you never know.”

I miss His arms around me even though He’s never hugged me.
I miss His voice, even though I’ve never heard Him out loud.
I miss being in His company, even though I’ve never sat next to Him.
I miss being able to talk to Him and see His face as He listens-but I never have been able to.
I miss running from a million miles and having Him catch me, although He never has.
I miss being able to cry for hours and have Him wipe away every tear that falls from my face with the perfect assurance that He’s there loving me regardless of life.
And I miss His laughter. It’s beautiful you know…

Someday that missing feeling will go away and never come back.

1. I’m hungry. (this is a continual thing…)
2. Filled out a job app, gonna take it to the airport after lunch
3. God is good. Really good. :)
4. I’m excited for the fall.
5. I’m excited to be done with another class next week.
6. I’m excited for the new co-pastor to come this week! Can’t wait to start setting up the house for his family!